The Style
Invitational Week 881: What's in a name?
By The Empress
Saturday, August
7, 2010; C02
Redskin
Albert Haynesworth, tackle from Tennessee:
Bet
he's worthless.
Stefani
Germanotta, a.k.a. Lady Gaga:
"A man??!!" "OK, a
gag."
Here's
a contest that two Losers recollected recently from when we did it back in
1999: Howard Walderman recounting the week that a
record four of his entries were printed, and Chris
Doyle griping that a similar earlier contest wasn't as good as this one.
It's
certainly time to do it again, since we have another decade's worth of people
to make fun of: Take the name of a person or institution. Find within it a
hidden message, as in the examples above. You may add spacing and punctuation,
but you may not move letters around: The hidden message must be found by
pulling out letters and using them in the same order they appear in the
original name. You may add titles or other identifiers to the name, but don't
go wildly overboard; the first example here is pushing the length limit.
Winner
gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a
deluxe 12-piece set of Frogmen vs. Radioactive Octopus, which sounds better
than it looks, even if it does glow in the dark. Donated by
Occasional Loser Dan Steinberg.
Other
runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style
Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air
"freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink).
One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by
e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Aug. 16. Put "Week 881" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results to be published Sept. 4. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by
Phil Frankenfeld.
Report from Week
877,
in which we asked for rhyming couplets on your choice of current events:
The winner of
the Inker
Impostor
in uniform drives Metrobus with passengers:
Well,
first he got lost, and he then had a crash, and I'm lucky to be a survivor.
Amazing
how well the impostor resembled our regular Metrobus
driver! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
2.the winner of the book "Are You a
Miserable Old Bastard?":
Queen
Elizabeth's visit to New York: All aroun' Manhattan
town Elizabeth careens;
(Ironically,
the monarch's never set a foot in Queens.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
3.The mayor's traffic ticket:
Oops,
Fenty is caught in an illegal turn.
His
car may be Smart, but the man's yet to learn. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, a First
Offender)
4.
Lindsay Lohan's sentencing:
Do
legal guidelines really call for 90 days in jail
For getting a bad manicure? On just one fingernail? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Couplets runneth under: Honorable mentions
Said Barack, "My agenda a title should bear, to
maximize public appeal."
Said
Biden, "I know, clean, articulate friend: We'll call it the Big Bleeping
Deal!" (Mike Fransella, Arlington)
Swapped
back to Russia, where life is monot'nous,
Anna's
the Spy Who Came In From the Hotness. (Brendan Beary)
He
shot off his mouth like a pearl-handled pistol,
And
that marked the finish of Stanley McChrystal. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Crash
test dummies' costumes given to Smithsonian:
Dummies
Larry and Vince both reached 25:
They
never used cellphones when learning to drive. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Among
many wounds, soldiers suffer from trauma.
(Just a reminder, Mr. Peace Prize Obama.) (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)
Levi
and Bristol are off again, on again.
Pinch
me awake and I'll cough again, yawn again. (Pie Snelson,
Silver Spring)
Sandra
Bullock's divorce:
Sandra
gave Jesse a kick on his hind side:
She'd
finally learned what he did on her blind side. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
They're
making a movie about John Edwards,
And how he traveled from forward to bedwards. (Mae Scanlan)
On
the World Cup:
Americans
just can't relate to the thrill
Of the rest of the world when the Cup ends 1 - nil. (Jim Reagan,
Herndon)
Felipe
Melo and Brazil, a bunch of kiss-my-boo-boo wailers,
Complaining
their opponents got assists from vuvuzelers. (Gary
Crockett)
Somali
militants ban soccer:
The
World Cup is boring enough to appall ya.
But
at least they don't shoot you like they do in Somalia. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)
On
the octopus that kept choosing the winning World Cup teams:
Spain or Holland -- who would win? Their chances were
identical;
A
brainy German got it right by sticking out his tentacle. (Beverley Sharp)
Switzerland
won't extradite Roman Polanski:
The Swiss say Polanski
Is free to romanski.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Left-handers
lose iPhone reception:
iPhone 4 is a little bit flaw-ish;
Apple
tells us: Just don't be southpaw-ish.(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Elections
are won with gerrymandered maps,
Which is fine if they're drawn by our own kind of
chaps.
(William Bradford, Washington)
In
Argentina now, it's deemed okay for gays to marry;
It
still takes two to tango, but their sexes needn't vary. (Brendan Beary)
Genetic-testing
kit mix-up:
You
can now buy a gene-testing kit for a song.
('Course
it may get your gender and roots a bit wrong.) (Ellen Raphaeli,
Falls Church)
Mel
Gibson's latest rantings:
Mel's
"Braveheart" won two Oscars, but his film
career's gone south
Since
he showed the world that his most Lethal Weapon is his mouth. (Gary Crockett)
And last: On a Supreme
Court ruling:
The
FCC decency rules have to go!
So how 'bout a "Style Invitational Show"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Next Week:
Safety in Blunders, or The Errorists
Win